


(because) of course (they did)

by telm_393



Category: Original Work
Genre: Affectionate Fanfiction Parody, Crack, Humor, M/M, Not Serious, Parody, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:52:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telm_393/pseuds/telm_393
Summary: The One With a Lot of Issues and Someone Who Wants to Fuck It Better have a late night conversation, and then they have a late night conversation--if you know what I mean. ;)
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character, The One With A Lot Of Issues/Someone Who Wants To Fuck It Better
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15
Collections: Exchanges After Dark Birthday Bash 2021





	(because) of course (they did)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flowersforgraves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersforgraves/gifts).



> hope u like it recip!!! I figured that there’s no fandom anyone could like more than original works uwu 
> 
> WARNING that this gets pretty hot and heavy!!!

The One With a Lot of Issues sat at the kitchen table in a mansion situated in Handwaveland, which he had recently moved into with his teammates after disturbing canon events that necessitated some unrealistic time off to explore the emotional aftereffects of the previously mentioned disturbing canon events, and brooded. Brooding, of course, was his right, on account of the fact that an eyebrow-raising amount of bad things had happened to him over the course of his life, and he was very handsome.

TOWALOI, as he was known by his friends and dead family, stared into the cup of coffee in front of him. Black, of course, because only good people deserved sugar and milk and whipped cream and all that, and he was a garbage person, something that he strongly believed ever since his mother was brutally murdered while picking up medicine for him when he was five.

He’d had a cold, then, and thus his mother’s death was his fault, as was the way everything in his life went completely downhill from there until he ended up in juvenile hall, where he was found by a kind mentor who realized that he was a genius who had important skills in hacking treasonous plans found in computers because that’s how that works, probably.

The mentor, of course, died, because of course he did. It was a burst appendix.

And also, obviously, somehow TOWALOI’s fault.Because everything was. His drunken and cruel father, at least, said so, even just before dying of a toxic mix of liver disease and blaming-his-child-for-everything-itis when they could’ve, like, reconciled or something, but that would’ve been too kind. And TOWALOI would not have deserved it. He could not stress that enough, though roughly everyone else he knew thought he both could and did.

In any case. TOWALOI looked down at his coffee, or continued to, and then grabbed the bottle of tequila that was also on the table and poured it into his coffee (because any alcoholic beverage can go with coffee if you hate yourself enough) and then proceeded to chug it.

It barely went to his head. He had a high tolerance for liquor, due to the fact thathe was a functional alcoholic, because of course he was.

He sighed again, grabbing the bottle of tequila and then realizing that it was empty, like him, and his thoughts turned to his teammates at Elite Crimefighting Unit...or, okay, fine, one teammate in particular.

Someone Who Wants to Fuck It Better (known as SWWTFIB to his friends and his own dead family, though it was important to note that he was more well-adjusted about that and the bad things that had happened to him because otherwise his issues would overshadow TOWALOI’s sometimes) had been looking particularly sexy lately, and TOWALOI had to secretly admit that he was often secretly thinking about SWWTFIB, who was his best friend. They’d started out with a sort of antagonistic relationship, because of course they had, but they became friends after they proved themselves to each other, and then they proceeded to not become more, but TOWALOI...well...he wanted more.

But he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, and he knew he didn’t deserve SWWTFIB, because there was literally no reason that he wouldn’t have hang-ups about that, considering.

(And sure, yes, SWWTFIB was named Someone Who Wants to Fuck It Better, but that could be about anyone, and besides, it wasn’t like he gave himself that name. It was given by the Elite Crimefighting Team, as, like, initiation or however that works.

And what’s in a name, anyhow?

That was a Shakespeare reference, by the way, because TOWALOI’s a genius and geniuses make Shakespeare references.)

Anyway, TOWALOI thought about stuff more for a moment, and then he heard: “Hey, TOWALOI.”

The voice was sexy and deep and clearly attached to someone with a very large penis, and TOWALOI looked up and immediately blushed. How could he not? He turned into such a chick around SWWTFIB, and SWWTFIB wasn’t wearing a shirt and was only wearing boxers, because he was really comfortable with his smoking bod.

He took a few steps closer. His eyes, which were a color TOWALOI could never quite place, were understanding, and he smelled like cologne and deodorant and something uniquely him.

TOWALOI was, for a long moment, entranced by SWWTFIB’s deep gaze. SWWTFIB was, for his part, deeply gazing and thinking about how much he wanted to fuck TOWALOI, who was like really hot actually, even though he was self-conscious about all the attractive scars he’d amassed over his years of being tragic. SWWTFIB had already made a deal with himself to kiss every one of those scars.

(Also, SWWTFIB was attracted to emotionally fragile people because he had a savior complex and wanted to fix others to keep himself from dealing with his own numerous problems, but we’re not gonna get into that because that would be a real digression and SWWTFIB is here to be emotionally available and well-adjusted and also sexy, not to have characterization.)

So yeah, SWWTFIB was totally DTF because he was really understanding and he understood that his cock had emotionally restorative properties, as long as he topped but he always topped because on top is the most comforting position.

And, as previously stated, TOWALOI was also totally down to fuck, in his heart and also his penis, but first he had to be insecure and stuff, so he was like “you can’t help me” and SWWTFIB was like “but can my huge wang help you?” and TOWALOI was like, “probably, because I’m in love with you,” because of course he was, and SWWTFIB was like “that took such a long time but it was worth it to hear you say that after all this emotional buildup you can imagine” so they started kissing on the table. Then they started taking off their clothes, and SWWTFIB worshipped TOWALOI’s body and sucked his cock, and then—

“Wait,” SWWTFIB said, panting, “where’s the lube and condoms? We can’t bareback!”

TOWALOI, breathing heavily, his face flushed and pupils dilated, gasped out, “You’re right. That would be irresponsible.”

The good news was that there were lube and condoms in one of the kitchen drawers for some reason, because of course there were, so TOWALOI and SWWTFIB got those and they put on the condoms and stuff and then SWWTFIB put the lube all over his hand and said, “I’m gonna finger you, baby. Until there’s three fingers inside. And then I’m gonna fuck you.”

“Oh, YEAH, you glistening hunk of man meat, all I want is for you to fuck me hard until I forget my worries in your come,” TOWALOI said breathlessly, bucking his hips.

SWWTFIB smiled, overcome with arousal, and then moved closer to TOWALOI and said, with their lips almost touching, “But first I need to know...do you green light this?”

And TOWALOI cried out, “OH, BABY, GREEN!”

And SWWTFIB captured his lips in a heated and sloppy kiss as he put three fingers into TOWALOI’s ass, and then, once TOWALOI was loose and ready, thrust in his huge penis, and they both screamed in ecstasy, so loud and out of control and wrapped up in each other that the other members of Elite Crimefighting Team woke up, but instead of being like omg guys get a room, they were all like, “About time.”

THE END


End file.
